Last OG, loosely based on your life, isn't that right?
Yeah, man.
Tell us about the old days, you know.
You know, there was a life before show business.
When I was a kid and in the '80's and crack was rampant.
You know, everybody was trying to sell it to get money.
But, you know, that's why...
You sold some.
I sold crack, yeah, but I was a crack dealer
with a heart of gold.
(audience laughter)
I would sell them crack and then feel sorry for them.
Yeah.
I would sell them the crack and then you know this
is gonna kill you, right.
Yeah.
You know I always kept my heart man.
Yeah, you kept your heart in it, all right.
I remember one time I had a aunt and she was doing drugs,
right, and one day she bought me a Game Boy.
And then she stole it.
Then she helped me look for it.
Then she helped you look for it?
I was mad, I said "Why you bought me a Game Boy,
steal it, then help me look for it?"
She said "I had to eliminate myself as a suspect."
(laughter)
She had to.
(Conan laughing)
I remember one time, 'cause they, you know, crackheads
will steal and sell anything that ain't nailed down.
Yup.
One day in Harlem when I was younger, I seen a crackhead
trying to sell a whole fire escape.
It was six floors you had in the push cart.
(laughter)
He ripped it off the side of a building?
Yes, yes, he was that strong.
That's what cocaine will do to you.
And he had a little girl's pink Huffy with him.
Yeah.
They always sellin' them Huffy's.
Sure, sure.
(laughter)
Where do you go, where do you go.
Tracy. What?
One of the things I love about you as a comic
is you say something really funny but then
you go to another world in between.
Where are you traveling?
I gotta watch my back with him!
(laughter)
I don't know him.
Do you ever run into anybody from back in the day now?
Like, you know you've hit it, you're a big star.
You're known world wide, you know,
they show 30 Rock all over the world.
And then they send me a whole $10.
They what? The whole $10.
Everybody want barb money once you on Last OG.
Everyone wants money from you,
is that what you're sayin'?
Yeah, everybody want money from you.
(laughter)
You still here?
I hear you.
All right, well...
When the joke don't go over, I go into my instrument
which is my face.
(laughter)
God gave me a extra layer of skin.
Yeah, you go in there and that's where you go.
Yeah, I'm your rubber band man (blubbering).
That's the most sense you've made all night.
(laughter)
Told you.
I'm sayin' like, you go back, okay,
now there used to be a different guy,
now you go back to that same neighborhood,
you ever run into people you used to know
who, you know what I mean?
Maybe they wanna talk to you now that you're famous?
Nah, I'm famous, I gotta cousin,
I inspired him to be famous.
Now he wants to be a magician.
He's a magician, where's he from?
He's really a thief, he's from Brooklyn.
He's from Brooklyn?
Yeah, he calls his self (bleep) the Great.
He make your watch disappear and it don't reappear.
(laughter)
Once it's gone, it's gone.
He a thief!
You ever run into any old girlfriends
back in the neighborhood?
Yeah, yeah, I ran into Murdice.
Who?
Murdice, she was 400 pounds, that my first girlfriend.
400 pounds.
Your first girlfriend is 400 pounds?
She was, but we go back to fourth grade.
She was 250.
(laughter)
All right, so tell me about this young lady.
One time I was making love to her for the first time
and she said I want you to pick me up and do me on the wall.
I said uh-uh, I got scoliosis is my spine.
(laughter)
You gotta pick me up and do me on the wall.
And she did!
She did it.
(audience cheering)
When you see her now, she might,
still looks good to you I bet, right?
Yeah, I mean, I'm just in love with her now 'cause
she's more mature and she got those bingo wings.
You don't know what bingo wings?
What are bingo wings?
When the old woman hit bingo and she go bingo and.
(laughter)
Bingo wings.
(laughter)
Bingo, I love bingo.
I love me some bingo wings.
You can't go wrong with a girl big and strong.
Can't go wrong.
You got heat in the winter, shade in the summer.
(laughter)
I love a big girl.
So you, you...
That's my thing, stretch marks.
That's my thing.
That's your thing, you like someone with stretch marks?
Yeah, stretch marks and a C-section.
That's my thing.
I'm old school.
So Tracy...
I definitely wanna get with somebody pregnant.
I'm get 'em pregnant.
'Cause I'm old school, I don't be pullin' out.
(laughter)
You wanna, you wanna get someone pregnant.
There he goes.
There he goes.
I'm serious man. Yeah, you want a kid.
Yeah, I'm tryin' to break Gundy's record.
Who?
I wanna be Gundy.
Oh, Gandhi.
I want 24 and better, I want 24 kids.
I got Wal-Mart money now, we ain't gotta worry 'bout it.
(laughter)
I'm not gonna use a condom man.
If you ain't willin' to die for it,
you really didn't want it.
(laughter)
Makes sense to me.
It makes sense to you?
Yeah.
Now is this true, what is this?
You once, is this when you were young?
You got depressed once.
You tried to off yourself, is that true?
Yeah, man.
I remember that, wow.
I tried to kill myself when my first girlfriend left me.
Man, I thought the world was coming to end,
I was only 16.
So I drank a whole bottle of V05.
V05 the shampoo?
Yeah, my moms ain't even care
about me tryin' to kill myself.
The shampoo was on sale.
Who touched my V05?
You wanna kill yourself cut your wrist like everybody else.
But leave my shampoo alone.
That's what she said.
What was the name of that girl
that left you, broke your heart?
Murdice.
Oh that was Murdice.
That was Mur Mur.
That was Murdice, with bingo arms.
Mur Mur, Mur Mur.
That's my baby girl.
Baby girl!
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