Auto news on Youtube Sep 29 2017

-Look at you on the cover of this magazine -- a stud.

This is -- this is my guy. [ Cheers and applause ]

Like, "What's up?" Movie star, stud.

And I read a lot of --

First of all, how are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

[ Laughter ] -Okay, good. Are you?

That's more than enough. More than enough.

-How are you? -No, I'm -- I'm great.

I'm fantastic.

-You are. -Thank you.

-You always have been. -I appreciate that.

I learned a lot about you in this article.

This is a great article.

-Sorry. -No, it was great.

One thing I learned is that you --

This photo shoot, you wore your own clothes.

You didn't wear any -- Like, usually, you get styled.

Usually -- usually...

This is a magazine cover right here.

[ Laughter ]

-That's why I decided not to dress up tonight.

-Yeah, yeah, I know. You look fantastic.

But this is -- I learned that,

that you wore your own clothes to the shoot, you did it.

You were just like, "Yeah, whatever, man. I'm cool."

And then you split -- You didn't say that,

but you just said it with your face.

And then -- But then I also learned

that you enjoy a glass of Scotch and a good joke.

-That's in here?

-Yeah. -Is it really?

-Well, no, I made that up. [ Laughter ]

But I think -- I wrote it on your Wikipedia page.

But... [ Laughter ]

You know, do you --

Is that true? Do you enjoy it?

-I've got a new trust in -- in Wikipedia.

-Yeah, exactly. -I've never had that before.

-Yeah, yeah, I'm really good at it.

I can put in whatever you want.

What is the Scotch that you enjoy?

'Cause I think I got some Scotch here.

-Really?

-I just don't know how to -- -Ooh, ooh, ooh.

-I don't know how to... [ Laughter ]

-Ooh, I like this. -You do?

-I can't pronounce it, but --

No, I know how to pronounce it...

-Bruichladdich? [broy-clouch]

-No, 'cause I drunk -- I-I...

[ Laughter ]

I had a little bit of it in a movie that I made,

and it's called Bruichladdich. [bru-clad-ick]

-Bruichladdich. -Bruichladdich.

-That sounds very, very -- [Scottish accent] It's Scottish.

-It is -- Of course. It's a Scotch whisky.

-[ Normal voice ] Scotch whisky.

Well, I'm just -- Well, I just...

But, all right, well, I have a little --

a little here for both of us. -Oh, man, wow.

-Maybe, like, I can pour a little, on the little --

-Uh... Is this okay?

-Well, yeah, I think we're allowed to do it.

I mean, you're Harrison Ford.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're allowed to do whatever we want to do.

-No, not okay with you -- Okay with my wife.

-Oh, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, you have to worry about that, yeah.

Calista, please.

Give him two -- Let him hang, have one beverage. Come on.

-It's been a long day, honey. -Yeah, exactly. Cheers.

-Forgive me. Cheers. Thank you.

-Good to see you, pal. -Well, thank you.

Good to see you. Thank you.

-[ Exhales ] Oh, my goodness.

[ Stammering ] Stop the music.

I have a -- I was trying to think of a good joke,

because I'm not really --

I don't want to say I'm not good at telling jokes, but I'm not --

I make a living out of it, but...

-Are you Canadian?

-No. -No, I'm just asking.

-'Cause there's so many Canadians -- Canadian humorists.

-Yeah. -Comedians, I just...

-I know a lot of people think I'm Canadian, but I'm not.

-No, no, a -- a lot of people think you're a humorist.

[ Laughter ]

-Thanks. That was -- Here you go.

-Well, I just think -- I think you're a fantastic host.

Thank you for having me.

-Thank you, but please. No, I know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're having a drink.

All right. This is good stuff.

-Yeah, I got a joke. You want to go first?

-I'll go first. I have a joke.

All right, so a guy -- a guy goes to --

-Walks into a bar? -Yeah.

Have you heard this already?

[ Laughter ]

-90% of jokes start that way. -Yeah, exactly.

A guy walks into a bar. -Yeah.

He gets -- He starts drinking, he gets wasted,

throws up on himself.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

-So he goes to the bartender,

and he goes [slurring] "I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm gonna tell my wife.

I-I am in so much trouble."

[ Normal voice ] And the bartender goes,

"Here's what you do. Do you have a $10 bill?"

-Yeah. -"Put it in your pocket,

and you tell your wife that some drunk guy threw up on you

and he gave you $10 for the dry-cleaning, okay?"

-Oh, God. -"You paid $2 for the shirt,

so you almost made $8, and you're a genius,

and your wife will be like, 'Oh, everything's fine.'"

He goes [slurring] "That's a great idea."

[ Normal voice ] So he goes home, his wife's in bed,

she wakes up, and he goes -- she goes,

"Honey, what happened to you?"

He goes [slurring] "I was at a bar,

a drunk guy threw up on me,

and he gave me $10 for the dry-cleaning bill."

[ Normal voice ] And she goes,

"But, honey, this is a $20 bill."

And he goes, "He also [bleep] my pants."

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Band plays ]

[ Laughs ]

Not bad.

[ Laughing ]

They liked it.

That's not the worst joke.

-Second apology of the night to my wife.

[ Laughter ]

I didn't know when I came here...

-No, I'll give you --

-...what I was getting myself into.

I'll give you $20 on the way out, you know.

-So, there's this ice fisherman. -Uh-huh.

-And he's got his little stool, and he's got his line,

and he's got his saw, and he's cutting a hole in the ice,

and he hears this voice behind that says,

"There are no fish under the ice."

[ Laughter ]

So he moves over 10 feet.

He starts cutting another hole through the ice.

And he hears, "There are no fish under the ice."

Looks up and says, "Is that you, God?"

And the voice says, "No.

It's the ice-rink manager."

[ Laughter ]

[ Band plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-[ Laughing ]

-Guy goes into a bar.

-Okay. -Never mind.

[ Laughter ]