I'M BACK IN NEW YORK, BABY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHUCKLES ] I MISS THIS PLACE.
THIS IS AWESOME.
I GOT TO BE HONEST -- THE FIRST --
I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY, RIGHT?
I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY, AND THE FIRST THING I DID --
I GOT ON THE SUBWAY, RIGHT?
AND I GOT ON THE SUBWAY,
AND THIS LITTLE PERSON CAME ON THE TRAIN.
ARE THERE ANY LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE?
GOOD. I'M GONNA SAY "MIDGET."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, THIS MIDGET -- YOU'LL SEE WHY --
THIS MIDGET CAME ON THE TRAIN,
AND HE PUSHED MY LEG AND HE HIT ME LIKE THAT.
AND I WAS LIKE -- HE WAS A RUDE, RUDE MIDGET.
AND, LIKE, PUSHED ME, AND, LIKE, I LOOKED DOWN AT HIM.
I WAS LIKE -- YOU KNOW, I'M NOT CONFRONTATIONAL,
BUT I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE YOU."
AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME.
HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?"
NOW, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING 'CAUSE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
YOU NOT GONNA LOOK LIKE THE HERO FIGHTING A MIDGET.
PEOPLE AREN'T -- "OH, I'M GLAD YOU KICKED THAT MIDGET'S ASS.
YOU TOOK THAT MIDGET DOWN A PEG. I'M GLAD YOU DID THAT."
NOBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT.
SO, LIKE, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, BUT THE WHOLE TIME IN MY HEAD,
THE WHOLE TIME, I'M THINKING LIKE,
"HOW DO I GET THIS MIDGET TO CALL ME A [BLEEP]
SO I CAN CALL HIM A MIDGET?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET CALLED THE "N" WORD AS A BLACK PERSON,
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
IT'S LIKE GETTING A GOLD STAR ON "SUPER MARIO BROS." AND JUNK.
I HEAR THE MUSIC.
WHEN I HEAR THE "N" WORD, I'M LIKE, "DO-DO-DO," YOU KNOW,
LIKE, I GET RIGHT INTO IT.
I GET REALLY INTO IT, YOU KNOW?
AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
LIKE, YOU CAN BE IN A FANCY RESTAURANT
AND JUST START THROWING POOP AT THE WALLS.
AND PEOPLE BE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"SOMEBODY CALLED ME THE 'N' WORD."
"OH, YES, OBAMA, OBAMA, YES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I JUST STARTED KIND OF DOING THIS STAND-UP THING, RIGHT?
SO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
I USED TO WRITE FOR THIS SHOW CALLED "30 ROCK."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S WHAT'S UP, RIGHT?
AND I LOVE WRITING, BUT WHEN I STARTED DOING STAND-UP,
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M GONNA TALK TO TRACY ABOUT IT."
I WAS GONNA ASK TRACY WHAT --
"DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME, 'CAUSE I'M JUST STARTING.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?"
AND HE WAS LIKE [ As Tracy Morgan ] "YEAH, MAN,
TALK ABOUT PENISES, MAN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
HE WAS LIKE [ As Tracy Morgan ] "YEAH, MAN, TALK ABOUT PENISES.
"DUDES LOVE THAT [BLEEP] MAN.
"TALK ABOUT PENISES.
"I'LL TELL YOU A STORY, MAN.
"ONE TIME I HAD BROKEN INTO THIS ASIAN GIRL'S DORM ROOM
AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AND I FELL ASLEEP.
"AND THEY WOKE ME UP AND THEY SAID,
"'TRACY, YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON IN FIVE MINUTES.'
"AND I DIDN'T HAVE NO MATERIAL.
"SO I JUST SAID [BLEEP] FOR 45 MINUTES.
"I TALKED ABOUT PENISES FOR 45 MINUTES.
DO THAT. DO THAT, MAN."
[ Normal voice ] SO I DID THAT.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, IT'S TRACY MORGAN.
I'M GONNA LISTEN TO HIM." SO I DID THAT.
I TALKED ABOUT PENISES, AND PEOPLE LOVED IT.
IT WAS GOOD. IT WENT WELL.
AND THEN, AFTERWARDS, A DUDE WAS LIKE,
"HEY, CHRIS WANTS TO TALK TO YOU."
I WAS LIKE, "WHO?"
"CHRIS ROCK WANTS TO TALK TO YOU."
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?! CHRIS ROCK?!"
I LOVE CHRIS ROCK. CHRIS ROCK'S MY IDOL, RIGHT?
SO I'M LIKE, "YEAH." I GO UP TO HIM.
I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH." I'M EXCITED.
"YO, WHAT'D YOU THINK?"
HE WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ] "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"
[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Normal voice ] I WAS LIKE, "I-I DON'T KNOW."
HE'S LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]
"'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WENT ONSTAGE
AND SAID [BLEEP] FOR 45 MINUTES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] AND HE RIPPED INTO ME, MAN.
HE RIPPED INTO ME, AND THAT BROKE MY HEART,
'CAUSE I LOVE CHRIS ROCK.
I USED TO DO HIS BITS ALL THE TIME.
HE HAS A FAMOUS BIT CALLED,
YOU KNOW, "'N' WORD VERSUS BLACK PEOPLE."
AND I LOVE THAT BIT,
BUT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO SAY THE "N" WORD IN THE HOUSE.
MY PARENTS WOULDN'T LET ME SAY THE "N" WORD,
SO I JUST DID "BLACK PEOPLE VERSUS VAMPIRES" INSTEAD.
I WAS UP THERE, YOU KNOW, TELLING JOKES.
I WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ] "THERE'S TWO CATS.
"TWO CATS GOIN' ON.
"THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE AND VAMPIRES.
"THE VAMPIRES GOT TO GO.
"EVERY TIME BLACK PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,
"IGNORANT-ASS VAMPIRES GOT TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYBODY.
"CAN'T KEEP A BLOOD BANK OPEN. GRAND OPENING?
"YOU WANT TO KNOW THE WORST THING ABOUT VAMPIRES?
"THE WORST THING ABOUT VAMPIRES --
"VAMPIRES CAN'T BE IN THE SUN, BOY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE NO VAMPIRE FRIEND AND THEN TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Normal voice ] I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT. I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU KNOW, YEAH, I JUST -- I DIDN'T SAY THE "N" WORD.
I WASN'T ALLOWED.
I DIDN'T START SAYING IT UNTIL LIKE 11th GRADE, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED TO SAY THE "N" WORD,
AND BY THEN, YOU MISS YOUR "N" WORD MOTOR SKILLS.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT RIGHT.
LIKE, I WOULD WALK DOWN THE HALL
AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?"
I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP [BLEEP]"
AND THEY BE LIKE, "AAH, AAH. I KNOW YOU'RE BLACK, BUT, MNH."
OH, IT'S THAT HARD 'R', MAN.
YOU KNOW?
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T SAY THE "N" WORD.
SOME BLACK PEOPLE CANNOT SAY IT. IT'S TRUE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SEAL SAYING THE "N" WORD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T HAVE SEAL AT THE GRAMMYS TALKING ABOUT...
♪ [BLEEP] ARE EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ [BLEEP] CUT UP MY FACE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT.
YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE, OBAMA UP THERE JUST TALKING
AND JUST, LIKE, GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AND JUST HAVE IT TURN INTO DEF COMEDY JAM OR SOMETHING.
HE'S LIKE, [ As Barack Obama ] "AS WE STAND HERE TODAY..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"...THERE ARE STILL SOME AMERICANS
WHO DON'T BELIEVE I HAVE THEIR BEST INTEREST AT HEART."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AND I'D LIKE TO PUT THOSE FEARS TO REST TODAY.
"BUT BEFORE I DO THAT...
I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HOW [BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN'."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"'CAUSE THEY DO."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"THEY BE TRIPPIN'.
"[BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN' --
"ESPECIALLY WHEN BITCHES BE AROUND.
"BECAUSE BITCHES BE WANTIN' TO GO TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
"AND THEY BE GETTIN' THEIR CHEESECAKE
"WITH BLUEBERRIES, STRAWBERRIES, AND CARAMELS.
AND I BE LIKE, 'BITCH, THAT IS EXPENSIVE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
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