In 1976, Rush's 2112 released, and my dad was a freshman in high school.
I can see it.
He and his friends listening to this record on repeat.
They loved it, because it's one of the best rock records of all time.
Years later, my dad working at KFC, and after hours or driving home, he and his coworkers
blasting 2112 and singing along.
After that, his first office job, and once again finding coworkers who were into Rush,
and listening to the record with them.
As he grew even older, becoming the father of my brother and I, he would bounce us on
his knee while listening to, you guessed it, 2112.
Both my brother and I's first real concerts ended up being Rush.
Throughout all these moments in my father's life, this record has been there.
He originally enjoyed it for how heavy the progressive metal was, but later grew to really
appreciate the songwriting and worldbuilding found within the story of 2112.
It's been entertainment, a social tool, a connection with his children, as well as a
masterful work of art.
Music latches onto memories, like photographs.
If you ask someone why they love their favorite album, more often than not they mention where
they were when they listened to that album rather than what specifically in the music
makes that album good.
Perhaps more than any art form, the entire moniker of what makes music good or bad is
subjective.
For my dad, listening to 2112 surely is an enjoyable experience because the music itself
is so complex and skillfully performed, but moreover its a soundtrack for an entire life
of memories.
Rush certainly has done that for me too.
I hear 2112 and I go back to when I constructed a band out of Legos and imagined they were
playing the music.
I remember having friends over in elementary school, playing the album and trying to explain
what was so special about it.
I remember my first Rush concert, on the Time Machine tour, and my last on the R40 tour.
The experience of actually seeing this incredibly complex music performed live, blew me away
at a young age.
Rush dominates my early childhood memories, but not my teens.
My teen years are themed by Car Seat Headrest.
I've made a video about Car Seat Headrest before, on November 20, 2016.
I was 17 years old and coming out of a time in my life that found itself in union with
that music.
Particularly, it connected to this album, Twin Fantasy.
I remember screaming lyrics as I drove home from school, and when I saw it live for the
first time in a small Venue in St Louis with my friends, we were singing every word.
We stood in the front row and forgot all our troubles as we danced to songs like Bodies
and Cute Thing.
For a long time, this album guided my way through the rise of anxiety and the struggle
of adolescence.
I mention all of this because of the recently released new version of Twin Fantasy.
The original came out in 2011, but due to a lack of resources, felt incomplete by frontman
Will Toledo.
Now that the band is behind Matador Records, and has grown tremendously in popularity,
the time felt right to return to this album, and do it "right" this time.
In releasing a re-recording of the album, the band, is re-tracing the steps of the past.
The label\'92s description of the album says, "It's been hard, stepping into the shoes of
[Will's] teenage self, walking back to painful places.
There are lyrics he wouldn't write again, an especially sad song he regards as an albatross.
But even as he carries the weight of that younger, wounded Will, he moves forward.
He grows.
He revises, gently, the songs we love so much.
In the album's final moments, in those apologies to future me's and you's, there is more forgiveness
than fury."
This intention is highlighted by not only the fresh coat of paint over the old songs,
turning lo-fi bops into hi fidelity rock songs, but also in slight alterations to lyrics and
their delivery.
Words that were once screamed in Beach Life-in Death are now delivered more calmly.
Thoughts of who Will wanted to be like in the original now are changed to his modern
day role models: Frank Ocean and James Brown.
Rather than monologue on the use of the word galvanistic, which has been completely removed
from the song Nervous Young Inhumans, Will reflects on his current situation as a touring
musician, forging a disconnect between the Will who wrote the album, and the Will recording
it now.
It feels beneficially disconnected from the emotions that originally inspired the album
in that it allows those emotions to be viewed more unbiasedly, face-to-face if you will.
When the original album released, it was at a time when the name Car Seat Headrest meant
nothing more than a literal headrest in a car.
I didn't discover Car Seat Headrest until 2014, and coincidentally like my dad with
2112, I was a freshmen in high school.
At that time in my life, I was coming to grips with the person I was becoming, and how that
person is different from who I was as a kid.
The struggle of not knowing who I was inside or out caused me to be aggressive toward people
and behave erratically.
What helped with that struggle, however, was for someone to tell me in great detail that
it's okay, that they're going through the same thing.
That's what Twin Fantasy was, and when I listen to the re-release, it's those memories of
struggle that I, like Will, return to.
Twin Fantasy is ripe with foreground themes of depression, anxiety, and fantasizing.
I've discussed this before in my original video on Car Seat Headrest, so I'll gloss
over the "how it does that" now.
Basically, anxiety and Fantasy specifically match my experience with this record.
These two emotions filled my high school life in an intense way, and are the reason my memories
of Twin Fantasy are so vivid.
You know, I used to talk a lot.
You put the camera on me and I started doing something random to fill the space.
I guess it all started to quiet down when I had my first bouts with anxiety.
I never used to have any anxieties.
It's something that happened starting in middle school.
I guess life was disillusioned when I was one of the last of my friend group to hit
puberty.
Looking back, it seems so dumb to be worried about that, but I was.
I didn't really know how to handle it.
I saw no value in my life if I was somehow inferior to everyone.
I laid on the ground during my showers for extended periods of time.
I texted manic anxieties to my friends.
And, since music is emotion, I looked for music that related to how I felt.
I started modifying song lyrics to match my feelings of worrying about being a short high-pitched
kid.
This was all before Car Seat Headrest, but I think the reason I was so attracted to that
music was because I didn't have to modify it.
It was real.
As I grew, literally, out of height anxieties they became more social.
I had a bad falling out in the 8th grade with a good friend of mine and I had to rethink
my entire social life for a time.
I couldn't really hang out with the people I had been with before.
For the first time in my life, making new friends no longer came easy to me.
I was in a perfect position for art to begin touching me on a personal level, because I
was disconnected with people, forced to connect with myself.
I eventually made up with that lost friend, and he actually introduced me to Car Seat
Headrest.
Because I hopped on the Car Seat Headrest train relatively early, it felt so personal.
I used to interact on twitter with Will all the time, and kinda felt like he was some
kind of acquaintance.
Social Media is weird like that.
I'd never really had a relationship like that with an artist before.
I loved his music, and a part of that was because it felt like I knew him.
It wasn't really until I started having my first real crushes on girls that Twin Fantasy
spoke to me in a different way, since it is, at its core, a love album.
It stopped being the project of a friend, and started being the tune to my life.
Just like in the album, I fantasized and idealized someone I liked.
When I hear songs like Stop Smoking and Sober to Death I remember her.
I was a pretty clean-cut kid as far as drinking and smoking in high school went.
She wasn't, which doesn't really matter to me now but certainly did back then.
I created this image of her in my mind that if I was with her I could mold her into a
more "positive" way of living.
That is, if I could even tell her how I felt.
In the album, Will seems to give up on that front and just accept the person he likes,
idealizing them in different ways, and I kinda did the same thing.
What started as pure fantasy became desperation just to be with someone, anyone.
Things began being very bad at this point, so let me clarify that it came in occasional
cycles, so before you start worrying about me I'm fine now, and most of the time I lived
normally back then.
Oh when I hear that lyric it breaks my heart.
I wish I could go back and console myself.
I wanted so desperately not to be alone, and I felt very alone.
Some of my friends were starting to be in relationships, which stacked jealousy and
anxiety of "being on the same tier as them" on top of itself and heightened any kind of
negative feelings I had.
One night I just was so worked up over this that I didn't know what to do with myself.
I was actually texting the girl I liked all these negative thoughts around this subject,
which she handled like a pro.
I kept saying "I don't wanna be alone.
I don't wanna be alone I don't wanna be alone" to her over and over.
I didn't know what to do so I just went downstairs and laid on the ground for like 10 minutes.
I..
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't it was
the next day I listened to that lyric over and over again.
It was hope when I felt the most hopeless
In Bodies, when Will sings, "and I know that I don't talk a lot" I remember latching onto
that lyric because I wanted so badly to be who I really was on the inside, but anxiety
made me perform to other people, it still does.
I felt like my true self4 never talked, and it was always some mask.
I didn't really want it to talk either, because when it did it was sad and kind of a buzzkill.
The more that true self was repressed, the more it snowballed into a general disposition
of feeling worse and worse.
I had this intense crush on this girl and my fantasy of her, or anyone, was someone
who would let me talk as my true self, as well as someone who I could "fix," which when
she handled my little panic attacks so well, made me like her more.
It got to the point where I was sick of meaning and I just wanted to embrace her, "hold her,"
as Will sang.
I wanted to throw caution to the wind and live in a moment with someone.
When I listen to the new version of bodies this memory of a fake experience pervades
thought, holding someone who doesn't exist.
About a year later, I entered a real relationship, and Twin Fantasy once again changed for me.
When you spend about a year and a half imagining what a relationship is like, when you actually
get into one you realize it's totally different.
Twin Fantasy was trying to tell me this all along by comparing the fantasy of who this
love could be with the reality of it, but I was so wrapped up in that first act that
I ignored the second.
Songs like Cute Thing or Famous Prophets really exemplify this.
The anxiety early on of wanting to get words right when you talk to her, taking on her
problems and trying to help in the best way you can, doing things way out of your comfort
zone, and, when it's all over, having it be a complex situation of emotional dissatisfaction,
wanting to go back, and sadness over the way things ended up..
All of that was present in the arc of my first relationship.
I hear these two songs and instead of fake thoughts the memories are real.
It's memories not of all the positive aspects of that relationship, of which there were
many, but what ended it, what made it difficult.
If fantasizing was the mistake Will made in Twin Fantasy, I did the same thing.
I was in love with the idea of who my girlfriend could be in the future, rather than who she
was now.
I idealized a version I created of her, and thankfully realized how harmful that is.
I had these ideas in my head of what the situation could be like, so I never could enjoy what
it was.
Around this time, slightly before, I made my video on Car Seat Headrest.
I was just trying to say that I connected to Twin Fantasy more because of it's specificity
to real moments in my life as I was living it, moments I hadn\'92t experienced with Teens
of Denial.
I don't think I was ready to say that though.
When I see the memories of tragedy this album calls to mind, I don't really feel sad.
I know some of these memories are depressing.
My heart breaks thinking of how bottled up I was, how worried I was about being like
everyone else.
I empathize with that person I was, I still have some of those problems, but even being
only a year separated from it, I can't help but feel like a lot has changed.
Maybe I'm confused, but in transitioning from high school to college, from a repressive
environment to an expressive one, as well as pursuing more self-betterment, I don't
think I am the person who I was when I listened to Twin Fantasy.
This remake has come at exactly the right time, since I'm in a place physically and
emotionally where I can critically look at the person I used to be in the same way Will
does.
The re-naming of the original to Mirror to Mirror and the new as Face to Face is brilliant.
When I was in that situation I couldn't really get out until I literally went to school in
another city.
Everything had to change.
It felt like a bunch of mirrors looking at the same thing.
It was an endless cycle of anxiety, idealization, and sadness going round and round.
Now that everything's different, I can look at it and find out its form.
I'm ready to view it face to face.
I'm ready to say that I was sad and took that out on others.
If I may, I think that applies to Will as well.
Now that he's separated from the time and place that produced Twin Fantasy, I think
he probably feels the same thing I do about my past.
He can actually see it for how it is, how he felt and acted.
He can judge it properly.
When I released my first video on Car Seat Headrest, Will saw it and hated it.
He blocked me on twitter and I've been told he said, "How can someone put this much effort
into being so dense?"
Harsh.
I didn't really plan for this reaction from him.
When I made that video I thought he'd appreciate how I dissected Twin Fantasy and praised it.
I see now that what I missed was that it was all personal.
My interpretation of these songs is personal, my experience is personal, and the emotions
tied to them are personal.
Like a lot of people in my life I idealized Will and his music to be this monolithic theme
to all struggling adolescent people.
But I don't regret the video.
Because Will received it so poorly, the seeds were planted for me to re-examine it and that
time, I didn't realize the music was such a part of my life.
If I hadn't gone through that struggle I don't think I would be where I am today.
At the same time I was making reductive statements on examining music, I was growing passionate
for art in its ability to free what we bottle up.
Twin Fantasy has a way of staying with me because of what I've described, and how it
connected to those experiences.
I know a lot of what I've said here may be too much information, or alternatively may
be considered pretty common.
I'm not making this for sympathy.
I know it could definitely be worse.
I'm making this because it's incredibly difficult to share personal experience with emotional
issues, to look at yourself face to face and judge toxic behaviors of yours, even harder
to do it publically.
And yet, Will Toledo consistently does this with his music, and it has helped me, and
so many other people.
I don't think I'll ever know the objective meaning of Twin Fantasy but I know it will
mean something different each time I return.
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